I want to tell the story of how I experience moving through life with a spinal cord injury. The thing I keep hitting into that has stopped me, is that I don't know how this story ends...and part of me wants to know if I will walk again or not before I write it all down.
So..... That's exactly how this story will begin. (Grin)
Life can feel like it's all about reaching an ending you're happy with, but what if there were no such thing as an end? What if there were only infinite fields of possible stories to experience? What if we move from one story to the next, to the next, to the..... I mean, I don't really know, but it's fun to contemplate, and the subject of life here and now is certainly a fascinating one to me. Here we are folks...... feel this!
Another thought I have is that we create our own beginnings and endings.
I feel like I have lived many lives within this one span and cycle on earth so far. I've gone from being a ballerina, tap dancer, hula hooper, nanny, obsessive house cleaner, hiker, music teacher, sculptor, etc.......to living a completely different lifestyle from my wheelchair. I'm not saying that all of these interests and skills have died, (though it can feel that way sometimes). What I'm saying, is that my whole perspective of "what life is", it's "meaning", and who "I really am"..... has completely changed.
So. What Happened?
June 2011 ~ The last time my legs and feet held my body up, the last time I felt the ground and the sensations below my belly button.....I was standing on the outer edge of a tree house in the backyard of a family home in New Jersey.
And... I was on a date.
My brother and his wife both felt strongly that I should not go out that night.
But I was stubborn. I had spent the whole day cleaning their apartment, waxing my legs, getting dressed up in my Indian Saree dress and spinning circles in the living room. That was my dancing dress. I know the jewelry I was wearing too. It was my pendant that held the iridescent wing of a real butterfly inside.
The point is, I thought I was invincible. I thought that I was strong and brave for going out and climbing up there into his tree house. I thought, "Hey, I'm going to prove I'm a really powerful woman" ~ "I decide" ~ "I can do whatever I want" ~ Yea....you probably have the feeling now.
The thing is....I also had reservations about leaving that night. It may have been the first time I ever recognized that there was a voice inside us that whispers to you when things don't feel quite right. That voice I am starting to listen to only now...in 2016. Thankfully so.
The first time I heard the voice (my own) was when I was driving to his house. I had my purple iPod-mini plugged into the car speakers and was listening to my music on shuffle. During a song that was written by a dear friend of mine which always melted my heart (I believe it was titled "the heart"), I suddenly heard a voice inside that said, "What if you just turned around?"
I froze, and felt confused for a second....thinking "why the hell would I do that?" I felt as though I was fighting with my parents or something and rebelled against this first communication seeming to arise from what I had labeled ~ my worried mind.
The second one came when I had gone outside with the guy I was dating, let's call him "GUY" from now on. Well, Guy had already climbed up into the tree house and now it was my turn. The grass was wet, the earth soggy, and the air was damp from the thunderstorms earlier that day and I was feeling nervous and also slightly annoyed. The voice inside was louder....so I yelled up, "Are you sure it's safe for the two of us?" He replied back "Yes, I was up here earlier during the storm, it was crazy!"
For some reason, I proceeded to climb.
The third time the voice came inside me was while we were standing up there trying to figure out how to hang a tarp for a roof. I was standing close to the edge, holding a flashlight when suddenly this came.... "You should move in towards the trunk of the tree."
Yup. I didn't move.
Instead, I asked Guy if he thought I should move in towards the trunk. He answered, "If you want to."
That was it. I had not listened and consistently rebelled against my own internal guidance system. I had also given away my ability to decide for myself while also asserting my right to do whatever I wanted to do that night.
It was the perfect storm for the perfect wake up call in my life. Really, truly, perfect.
About a minute later, the branches below our feet which held the boards together broke and the whole tree house tipped slightly - just enough for both of us to fall that long fall of about 15-20 ft to the earth below.
It's near impossible to explain the sensations and thoughts that occurred during that next span of time. To me it felt like an eternity.....in "real" time....(if that exists)....it was probably seconds between me standing to me lying on the ground in complete paralysis.
I had entered the wormhole of time and reality......and boy was I awake! Not a moment was lost.... in fact time had stopped completely.
TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>> <3 Thank you for reading =) I appreciate any comments you have. Would you continue to read my story? Honestly =) I've been thinking about sharing this for years now.
Thanks to everyone for the support and love ~
Laurie
Disclaimer : This story is told from my personal perspective and memory of the event. I am not trying to claim the quotes are exact but this is how I remember it =) Thank you!
