Feeling it all...

Wow.

This entry is more of a "dear diary" post than a lesson or story. I'm just experiencing life differently after this past week and weekend. I see that prior to opening my perception and practicing tools of awakened consciousness, I was a very shut down person. The 2 tragic events that just occured in the Orlando community are still swirling in my space. I thought it was the events specifically but I see that there are so many other factors for me.

For one thing, I live in FL and I've gotten to love the Orlando community and parks right in the downtown area. I have pranced around joyfully at markets and shops, and learned a little more about living in a bigger city than the small state of CT that I grew up in. It is wild and surreal to feel the energy here right now.

I'm experiencing a deep sadness for humanity that is also accompanied by a new powerful drive to do my part. I expect that a lot more people other than me will be having this reaction to life and what they can now do to make a difference. This seems to be our constant reminder in situations of crisis. I hope one day we won't need a crisis event to precede a transformation of society and civilization.

My mind is asking questions like "How can we increase tolerance?" " How can we move people into compassionate action?" "What can I do today from home?" "Who can I connect with?" "What have I not considered?" "What could happen from here?"

My mind has a lot of resistance to being "ok" with the "is-ness" of hatred and attacks in the world. Just last week I was exploring during a powerful course meant to increase your personal integrity with self and others that I haven't been so great at making sure I stay safe and keep others safe. I've been a little too "out there" thinking everyone is alright and no one will hurt "me." I had a very important conversation and found some interesting past impressions from movie characters that had been shaping my mis-alignment with keeping my sacred self out of dangerous situations. I have a new, wide, and caring perspective to start practicing now.

The truth is that what happened can happen anywhere and to anyone. We are constantly moving forward... around things.... and sometimes we trip, fall, get hurt, or worse. We pray for the least damage and yet there are some things that still do come knocking on our doors. When these things occur.....what do we do with them?

I used to ignore them. I used to make my mom turn off the TV. I used to tell people to put their attention on the positive and not the negative. I used to sacrifice myself to human rights rallies. I used to feel helpless......

Right now I'm feeling inspired, grateful, sad, and very vulnerable. I see one clear thing - my CHOICE point. I feel the fine and fragile edge of existence that we all try our hardest not to be reminded of sometimes. That might explain for me why things feel so unreal when we get hurt....we are in so much delusion about reality and what is potentially possible that we miss reality. Or maybe its because I spend less and less time connecting with my body, nature and real live human beings while I check facebook and instagram.

My work with the Avatar® course feels the most significant to me right now. I watched hundreds of new Avatar Masters and Integrity Masters come together to celebrate their oneness, their integration of belief systems, use the tools to genuinely appreciate, and much more over the course of last week. I wept such gratitude as I watched them dance, holding hands and swaying in the hotel ballroom.

Perhaps these are the types of situations where we find our true life's purpose and make a run for it. Maybe these are those moments when our best creative gifts are purged from our soul and shared with the world because NOW is all we realize we have left.

Can we all start to experience everything that comes up for us? Can we feel these moments of tragedy fully and let the experience flow through us and into the past? Do you have the ability to move your attention onto those things you wish to accomplish in the face of fear and conflict?

I have to admit that before I took the Avatar Course I was pretty shut down to experiencing the full spectrum of life. Now I'm learning and opening up in life. I see that avoiding the "negative" and "sad', "angry", "bad" thoughts....isn't really what being loving and kind is. The bigger picture for me is that I need to acknowledge that humanity is me....and I am humanity. I can make a change by courageously integrating the pieces of my blueprint that are still out of alignment with the true self, the divine and sacred self that connects with the whole.

I'm humbled beyond words but somehow I continue to type right now as I just let myself keep going, keep going. I am going to encourage myself to get some sleep now, and to consider my powerful intention in the world to help people awaken their heart, spread compassion, integrate their beliefs, and wind down the right/wrong game. World Peace is possible with each other. Let's find the helpers and keep this mission of love alive.

With sincere acknowledgement and love,
Laurie

"Let's Be" ~ an Original song written for Earth Day 2016

"Let's Be"  ~ Written by Laurie

we can create a world thats free
loving all humanity
come together through it all
peace fulfills this loving call

let’s put our mind up to the test
and let our hearts decide the rest
we’ve got to give and make a stand
planting seeds on sacred land

let’s feel who we are
give it up, and like the dawn, we’ll make sure that all the lights are on
Let’s be the ones we came to be
holding hearts, and making peace, let resistance now release

open up and lets all play
we can do this cuz we know the way
this is our time we have the chance
to let go of the fight and get back to the
dance, let’s dance, let’s dance, lets dance

let Feeeeel who we are……release….

I believe that love can lift us all, grow these roots, shoot up so tall, like spruce and pines these tree tops see, beyond the limits of you and me. we come together in new heights, to light the way, and claim our rights. beyond the turmoil days we fly, beyond and up we have to try. this time is waiting where love is bliss, a new day dawning, a sunrise kiss. breathe it in and cleanse your soul, within you lies the truth thats whole.

lets feel….

Would you read my Book? Test Drive....

There are many moments when I ponder about writing a book...

I want to tell the story of how I experience moving through life with a spinal cord injury. The thing I keep hitting into that has stopped me, is that I don't know how this story ends...and part of me wants to know if I will walk again or not before I write it all down.

So..... That's exactly how this story will begin. (Grin)

Life can feel like it's all about reaching an ending you're happy with, but what if there were no such thing as an end? What if there were only infinite fields of possible stories to experience? What if we move from one story to the next, to the next, to the..... I mean, I don't really know, but it's fun to contemplate, and the subject of life here and now is certainly a fascinating one to me. Here we are folks...... feel this!

Another thought I have is that we create our own beginnings and endings.

I feel like I have lived many lives within this one span and cycle on earth so far. I've gone from being a ballerina, tap dancer, hula hooper, nanny, obsessive house cleaner, hiker, music teacher, sculptor, etc.......to living a completely different lifestyle from my wheelchair. I'm not saying that all of these interests and skills have died, (though it can feel that way sometimes). What I'm saying, is that my whole perspective of "what life is", it's "meaning", and who "I really am"..... has completely changed.

So. What Happened?

June 2011 ~ The last time my legs and feet held my body up, the last time I felt the ground and the sensations below my belly button.....I was standing on the outer edge of a tree house in the backyard of a family home in New Jersey.

And... I was on a date.

My brother and his wife both felt strongly that I should not go out that night.

But I was stubborn. I had spent the whole day cleaning their apartment, waxing my legs, getting dressed up in my Indian Saree dress and spinning circles in the living room. That was my dancing dress. I know the jewelry I was wearing too. It was my pendant that held the iridescent wing of a real butterfly inside.

The point is, I thought I was invincible. I thought that I was strong and brave for going out and climbing up there into his tree house. I thought, "Hey, I'm going to prove I'm a really powerful woman" ~ "I decide" ~ "I can do whatever I want" ~ Yea....you probably have the feeling now.

The thing is....I also had reservations about leaving that night. It may have been the first time I ever recognized that there was a voice inside us that whispers to you when things don't feel quite right. That voice I am starting to listen to only now...in 2016. Thankfully so.

The first time I heard the voice (my own) was when I was driving to his house. I had my purple iPod-mini plugged into the car speakers and was listening to my music on shuffle. During a song that was written by a dear friend of mine which always melted my heart (I believe it was titled "the heart"), I suddenly heard a voice inside that said, "What if you just turned around?"

I froze, and felt confused for a second....thinking "why the hell would I do that?" I felt as though I was fighting with my parents or something and rebelled against this first communication seeming to arise from what I had labeled ~ my worried mind. 

The second one came when I had gone outside with the guy I was dating, let's call him "GUY" from now on. Well, Guy had already climbed up into the tree house and now it was my turn. The grass was wet, the earth soggy, and the air was damp from the thunderstorms earlier that day and I was feeling nervous and also slightly annoyed. The voice inside was louder....so I yelled up, "Are you sure it's safe for the two of us?" He replied back "Yes, I was up here earlier during the storm, it was crazy!"

For some reason, I proceeded to climb.

The third time the voice came inside me was while we were standing up there trying to figure out how to hang a tarp for a roof. I was standing close to the edge, holding a flashlight when suddenly this came.... "You should move in towards the trunk of the tree."

Yup. I didn't move.

Instead, I asked Guy if he thought I should move in towards the trunk. He answered, "If you want to."

That was it. I had not listened and consistently rebelled against my own internal guidance system. I had also given away my ability to decide for myself while also asserting my right to do whatever I wanted to do that night.

It was the perfect storm for the perfect wake up call in my life. Really, truly, perfect.

About a minute later, the branches below our feet which held the boards together broke and the whole tree house tipped slightly - just enough for both of us to fall that long fall of about 15-20 ft to the earth below.

It's near impossible to explain the sensations and thoughts that occurred during that next span of time. To me it felt like an eternity.....in "real" time....(if that exists)....it was probably seconds between me standing to me lying on the ground in complete paralysis.

I had entered the wormhole of time and reality......and boy was I awake! Not a moment was lost.... in fact time had stopped completely.

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>>> <3 Thank you for reading =) I appreciate any comments you have. Would you continue to read my story? Honestly =) I've been thinking about sharing this for years now.

Thanks to everyone for the support and love ~
Laurie

Disclaimer : This story is told from my personal perspective and memory of the event. I am not trying to claim the quotes are exact but this is how I remember it =) Thank you!

Being Stuck and Moving Forward

Ok ~ There you go! My last post is pretty accurate for a place to get stuck haha.

I will say though.....because I lit the fire under my arse and really started to move again, I have been creating such beautiful things! I've been very artistically creative again, gave a guitar lesson, was contacted by an old ukulele lesson with my favorite 11 year old, got a PAID ukulele gig at an Assisted Living home (OMG! yay), scheduled another Ukulele gig at a really cute cafe I love to sit in, almost have a job with the Boys and Girls club at an after school program (middle school!), reconnected with a past job and created artwork to be sold as clothing and blankets, sold artwork online, registered for 2 of my courses, and FINALLY my new wheelchair is on its last leg of creation! The WHEELS are spinning in my life again! HOOOORAH

I'm so excited to be moving through my paralysis that seems to exist on many levels. Most of my life, I have been moving in and out of phases of feeling really productive and then super stuck. I've always been fascinated by those who live a pretty steady, straight-forward, no-drama existence. Perhaps I hold the belief that life is boring without drama! hahaha.... However I wish to look at it, I'm glad that I have been introduced to the tools I now have that help me to feel through a LOT of resistance to living that normal and stable life. I really am getting upset with the sabotaging patterns and I'm happy to know that I can integrate them and keep moving forward.

Isn't it amazing when you let yourself get out of your own way?

Isn't it amazing to believe in yourself with your whole existence?

I think so.

.......more importantly......I am FEELING so. =)

So here's to allowing myself to fail, get up, keep going, admit my own mistakes, brush off, move forward, and succeeeeeed.

Anything is possible.....when you believe!

In order to improve our lives, we must be willing to look within. So here's a little homework for you.

Are you willing to look inside?
Have you thought about what you would like to be doing that you aren't doing now?
Have you thought about who you would like to be BEING that you aren't being now?

My advice? Decide to look, and decide to change, grow, and surrender to your higher self guiding you to all the right people, places, and situations.

Sometimes drawbacks are really a clearing of space for something super awesome....

Sometimes breakups are a blessing....

Sometimes getting fired frees you to find a passion you never would have found!

You know what? YOU NEVER KNOW!

My Love, Laurie

"I don't Know"

Today I have been doing a lot of restructuring, resting, and re-organizing. I have explored some areas where I was feeling very dense and solidified in certain perspectives. It was cleansing, renewing, and insightful.
In my personal growth work I have noticed that I get very tired and exhausted when I am not paying attention to what my "attention" is on...also the motivations behind certain behaviors or choices can seem to be operating on automatic which plays into those times when I feel out of control of the circumstances of my life.

This is something that I know spreads across the globe....I feel its there because we are still operating through some very interesting filters that keep us separate....and asleep.

I'm incredibly grateful to have tools that can pick me up off the floor very easily and quickly. Those creations that seem to feel huge and have no edges (they feel all-encompassing right!?) are not completely draining my attention anymore. I can notice it....feel it....perhaps I'll even feel the suffering of the beliefs I am holding a little....whatever I need to feel to move through to a viewpoint shift and really own myself as the source being in my life.

In many ways I have reached an abyss in my consciousness. A new domain. A new level. Whatever I want to call it.....I can't quite understand it yet because it feels like I could pick any direction from here. There is so much "I DON'T KNOW!"

Exploring into the unknown can be really freaky. My mind likes to talk me out of it....and I am now learning to discern between a mind that wants to stay safe....and an intuition that senses a real danger. I used to just plunder over my intuition.....its honestly how I landed myself in a wheelchair. I "thought" my mind was being dumb when really it was my intuition sensing a real danger for me. I rebelled against my higher self and walked into an unstable situation. Lesson learned and heard loud and clear!

Interesting though....I wouldn't take back any of it. I have been shown so much through my experiences and I have moved mountains in my consciousness. You never really know how you are going to learn lessons....but if you are willing to go a different route and be courageous enough to go for it, you can find the lessons tucked into every relationship, interaction, and situation.

When we have completely shut off our emotions, our feelings, and our connections with others  because we are so trapped in our autopilot mind....we can have a more difficult time discerning what is "right" for us. My intuition has tugged on my shoulders, screamed in my ear, and yanked on my pant leg and still I would ignore it... saying "shut up" accompanied by an eye roll that I would give my mother.....often mistaking my sacred intuitive self for some worried parent in my head.

I didn't know how to predict.....I didn't know how to feel anything around me or let alone within. I didn't know that it was ok to NOT know! and I certainly didn't know that I was holding myself back by holding fixed  "I am right, you are wrong" viewpoints.

What a trap it can feel like!

.....perhaps this is the wave we are all riding...creating...and learning through.

But now I have glimpsed what is possible regardless of "not knowing."

We CAN create into the void of awareness. There are wonderful role models in my life that have paved a path to show others that we can move through these seemingly huge unknowns and black holes in consciousness.

....As soon as I let go of resisting and start being ok with "not knowing!"

Namaste my friends,
Laurie

Little things...Little me

I've noticed this week how I have wanted to stay small and have been attracted to anything related to being "little" =)
Part of this feels like I am meant to be a beacon for children. I am very playful and child-like in my personality. I can do the same activity with even the littlest piece of paper for hours and find some way to stay entertained and keep a child smiling. These are a part of my gift to humanity.

But then there is the "staying small" part.....I've noticed that as a default pattern in uncomfortable situations...or just plain NOT taking personal responsibility....that I actually create myself as though I am still a child. I have handed over all responsibility and feel sort of trapped in these areas. Very interesting!

Well, I've started making some small changes to my daily routine...partly due to this challenge.  Also because I can feel the level of responsibility rise back up the more I am using my tools. Even small things like cleaning my medical supplies or loading the dishwasher....or cleaning and organizing are a little more difficult for me being in a wheelchair.....BUT! I can do them....and I can also ask for help. The only times I get angry with myself is when I can feel I am just expecting someone to do it for me.

I've battled internally with growing up for a long time. It's pretty hard when a lot of your archetypes come from Disney characters. =) Tinkerbell!!! Haha

What has given me a lot of joy in my life regardless of being in a wheelchair or not, is being in service to others. I have always loved being a listening ear or a helpful hand. I actually love cleaning and feng shui.....and most of all putting a smile on someone else's cheeks.

Perhaps it just depends on the purpose I am giving to my love of "little" things =) Am I empowering myself or giving away my source? This is and perhaps will be a great exploration as I prepare to make some new and exciting changes in my environment and lifestyle.

I am sending love and gratitude.

So grateful for the beautiful and "little" things in life.

Laurie =)

Stretching through it

What makes Your Heart Sing?
It's so interesting to me how easily we can get caught in the trap of daily living and survival mode. Our Will drops to the level of "tell me what to do...." and our attention is scattered across pages of "to do" lists and unfinished creations. Can anyone else relate?

Well....my life has been in this swirl of thinking positively and then being swept into the lower realms of my mind.....you know those thoughts that just have their own broken record? The ones that say "I can't....I can't.....I should.....I'll never get to....." Yea! These kinds of thoughts evoke some pretty rough emotions in my universe. You too? Yea I had a feeling.....

Personally, there is nothing worse than being told by my own mind that "I can't" do something. It's so funny to really own this as mine though....because I am so used to the old game of blaming other people for thinking I am inadequate and playing the "I'll show you" moves.

Guess what is really cool? The biggest critic in my life is my own mind.....when it is being run on autopilot. Why cool? I can change it.

SO now, I can see where to start breaking ground and laying down some new beliefs to create a foundation that is easier to live my life through.

We always seem to have this choice point in our lives....where what we want and what we are experiencing just don't seem to match up.

I'm learning to take these moments and start my inward journey. I use the Avatar® tools to look at my beliefs or explore various ways of integrating a pattern...sometimes a "small" thing becomes a cryfest....and other times a "huge" thing just disintegrates with a chuckle and an "OHHHhhh hahahahah"

Consciousness is weird. =)

So that's all for today....my life may not be perfect....but at least I can see a little more clearly and have a smile through the home stretch.

Happy Exploring.

May we all take an inward journey and find who we really are in this lifetime.

My love,
Laurie

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